It has been almost eight months since i finished my doctoral studies and moved to Norway. I am working on projects which I really adore and have people around me who are some of the best in their respective fields and extremely pleasant to me. Work is challenging and I am really passionate about it. All these make me enthusiastic about going to my office every morning. However, it was not manifesting fully in my happiness and pleasant mood. There was something lacking. It was somewhere here but was very difficult to discover. Was it a sudden release of pressure from the slogging towards the end of my PhD that had created a vacuum which was sucking me inside ? Or was it a sudden loss of proximity to my friends who were so much a part of my small happy world in an alien land ? I was trying to find answers to many questions like these. Whenever I was stressed, sad or depressed during my PhD days I used to sit on a special place which I referred to as my “Introspection point”. Once the reasons for the troubles were discovered the corresponding remedies were mostly trivial. With the same hope I was trying to find a similar point in Trondheim and last week I found not only the point but also the root cause of those troubles and a single remedy for all.

Tired of walking I was sat down on a rock close to the Trondheim fjord. At least in appearance it is similar to the wooden bench close to Lake Leman which I tried to break for four years. I was busy throwing small stones one by one into the sea until I was interrupted by a gentleman “you should stop now or else the whole fjord will be full of stones.” He had caught a fish and was going to roast it for himself and his 5 years old son. I was invited to join the party. Reluctantly, I joined them. His son was trying to draw something perhaps a cat and was angry with his dad because he couldn’t help him draw better. There were paper balls spread all around him testifying his failed attempts but a “never give-up” attitude. I helped him sketch whatever he wanted to and within minutes became his best friend. Someone who spent his sleepless nights for him was insignificant then. He had learnt a new art and was trying to master it and was very happy. In the next few minutes even I was completely ignored. In just over an hour I saw relationships building and breaking but the kid was happy throughout because he was doing what he really loved.

I probably had got answers to my questions. I needed something that I loved unconditionally and with whom my association was solely dependent on me. What could it be ? My family and a few friends who stood by my side through all odds were definitely the obvious ones but I wanted something close physically. It didn’t take me long to realize that it had to be my first love. It was so close to me all these months (in fact years) and I completely ignored it. I immediately said bye to my new friends and rushed back home. Another fight with darkness in my underground cave and I finally came out victorious with all my painting equipments albeit in heart breaking conditions. They were covered with dust and dried colors. The color tubes were flattened at weird places. Brushes had lost its shapes but not the reproducibility. They had stood the test of harsh times. I felt like crying. Painting was something I really loved and when the kids of my age were playing, enjoying and partying I was trying to paint something alone in complete isolation. A decade of struggle for a stability in my career had taken me too far away from my love. I cleaned the brushes and sorted out the materials that could be used. In the next few hours I was back to my childhood: playing with colors. The sharpness, skills and confidence has deteriorated considerably but the passion is still there. The brushes no more listen to my commands. Perhaps they are disappointed with me but I am sure I will win them back with time, care and attention they have been devoid of for years. Since I also found my Introspection point in Trondheim, I decided to make it the topic of my revival. I hope to upload paintings as frequently as new photo albums. All these years I have been receiving loads of emails and good wishes. Although I do not reply to all the emails and messages I do read them so keep them coming. I badly need them specially in the revival period.

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